Words can be used to lift someone up or to shame, blame, humiliate, hurt, discourage and intimidate. Words – whether spoken intentionally or uttered without forethought – can be weapons that inflict emotional distress. Importantly, once words are spoken they can’t be unheard, and their effect can be enduring. And, while we cannot unhear words spoken to us, we can choose how we respond to them.
Sometimes words are spoken in the heat of a moment – thrown out in anger or frustration. Some use words to verbally abuse others. People sometimes use words to ridicule or poke fun at someone. Verbal abuse, in any form, has negative impacts on our physical and emotional health. Telling someone to toughen up or to ignore hurt feelings and, certainly, telling someone that they’re too sensitive or that they can’t take a joke is not at all helpful. Your perception is your reality. If you think you’ve been insulted or ridiculed, then you have been – regardless of what the other person meant to say.
Why does this matter? Suzette Haden Elgin reminds us that “Verbal violence is a toxic menace. The majority of illnesses and disorders that develop in the workplace have emotional stress as their direct or indirect cause.”1 We have to communicate with our clients and coworkers every single day, and our wise choice of words coupled with emotional intelligence can go a long way in building a positive workplace culture and navigating difficult conversations with clients. Words can be carefully crafted and served up as a verbal attack. Elgin describes more in ‘How to Recognize the Verbal Attack Pattern.’ If we learn to recognize verbal abuse, we stand a better chance of avoiding psychological harm and can respond in a constructive and emotionally intelligent manner.
Here’s an example; during a visit you present a fee estimate and the client says: “If you really cared about my pet, you wouldn’t charge so much for your services.” On the surface, this could be construed as a personal attack because they’re making a certain situation about "you." A portion of that sentence mentions "you" specifically, and that may leave you feeling baited into defending yourself. However, in this example, the attacker is not really interested in your response. They haven’t posed a question and the statement is probably not about you at all. Consider that, maybe, they are feeling conflicted and want to do all that they can for their pet but cannot afford the estimate you’ve just presented. Maybe they are experiencing other financial or personal pressures and have just heard something that caused them to shift blame on you.
Your best defense is to, first, recognize that it is just one type of verbal attack. Recognizing that can help you ignore the bait and set the tone for what follows. You can draw on verbal self-defense measures to navigate the remainder of the conversation and deescalate any further attack. You can use neutral language and avoid becoming defensive. You must try to better understand the person’s situation and focus on how the issue can be resolved. You were accused of not caring about a pet and being about the money. But, this was likely about the stress of how an owner was going to take care of the pet in light of financial pressures. Understanding that can drive your emotionally intelligent response. That response would be to expand the discussion to include a variety of treatment options – contextual care options for the client to consider. You ignore the personal attack and bait about money and, instead, demonstrate you are equally invested in providing care for the pet and committed to figuring out how to achieve that in light of the client’s constraints.
All words that are spoken are not absolute truths. If you are on the receiving end of hurtful words or disparaging remarks, you can control your response to them. Recognizing a verbal attack in progress can help you minimize its impact or power to inflict pain. We often accept criticism and words at face value. If we are insecure or made to feel “less than” in the hierarchy, we may accept blame without questioning the intent behind the words spoken to us. Were the words spoken to bring attention to something we truly need to improve upon, or were they expressed out of frustration to shift blame or shame because someone else was having a bad day? Emotionally intelligent communication includes two important components. If you’re doing the speaking, think before you speak. Ask yourself, “is it necessary or nice?” Consider how your words are going to land on the person on the receiving end. Practice choosing words with thoughtful intent and speaking them with sensitivity. As a listener, learn to recognize patterns of verbal abuse and the art of self-defense. You have the power to defuse escalating conflict and detach from comments meant to inflict harm. Words matter. How you speak them and receive them can become your superpower and help you to preserve dignity in any conversation.
[1] Elgin, S. (2000). The gentle art of verbal self-defense at work. Paramus, NJ. : Prentice Hall Press.
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